Chapter 17 Gwen’s Diary

Jared Crawford was dispirited. He neither cared about his company nor left his room nor ate. Nobody could get him to leave his room — it did not matter who tried to persuade him. Jared found a diary among Gwen’s belongings, and he had been crying and laughing at it for a few days. He sat on the ground below the windowsill and held the wooden figures that were carved by Gwen. Once again, he flipped through her diary, which felt extremely heavy to him. …… [23 September 201X. [Happy!!! [Today is the day Jared and I are getting married. He’s on his way to pick me up, and I’m so happy yet nervous that I don’t know what to do. Mom suggested that I keep a post-marriage diary. She has kept one in the past, and she only stopped writing when Dad passed away. [I’ve decided to keep this diary, and I’ll write until either me or Jared dies one day! [It never occurred to me that I’ll actually become Jared’s wife one day, so I thought I was dreaming when Mom told me! [Mom and Grandpa Crawford said that Jared wanted to marry me on his own will. Although it sounds unbelievable, I’m truly happy. I’ll definitely be a good wife in the future, and I’ll take great care of him!] …… [24 September. [It turns out that Jared didn’t want to marry me — it was Grandpa Crawford who forced him to choose. [If I knew the truth behind our marriage, I would’ve never agreed. I could never force him to do things that he doesn’t want to, but this time… [He really dislikes me, so much so that he’s not willing to admit that he was the one who slept with me last night. He even said that I cheated on him… [Everyone in Fuzhou knows that I’ve loved him for ten years, so how could I have cheated on him? [It was clearly he who slept with me last night. He might’ve been drunk, but I was sober. I saw it clearly that it was him, it was him!] …… [25 September. [Jared didn’t come home, I waited the whole night for nothing.] …… [26 September. [Jared still hasn’t come home. I went to his company to look for him, but the receptionist wouldn’t let me enter because I hadn’t made an appointment. I told her that I’m Jared’s wife, but she said that I’m daydreaming… [I forgot that we got married without having a ceremony, and nobody knows because it wasn’t made known to the public.] …… [27 September. [Jared still hasn’t come home, but I bumped into him and Janice at the supermarket. It turns out that they’ve been living together.] …… [28 September. [Jared didn’t come home.] …… Following that, there were many pages with the same words. From those words alone, Jared could feel how Gwen went from being excited at the beginning to having lost enthusiasm and finally became numb. Jared’s tears dripped onto one of the pages, where it smeared the despairing words: “didn’t come home”. He finally realized that Gwen had not asked for the marriage. She did not know his dad had forced him to make a choice, so she thought he had willingly married her. Jared misunderstood her again. …… After flipping to the entry on 31 December, there was finally a different content: [Jared finally came home after more than four months, but it’s because the Crawford family has a rule: everyone in the family must attend the reunion dinners on the first and last day of every year. He came home to bring me to the old residence. [I can tell he’s very reluctant, but it’s okay, I’ve been living like that for the past ten years. If I hold on a little longer, perhaps he’ll see the good in me.] …… [3 February 201X. [Janice Sanders suddenly came to look for me today and asked when I’ll be willing to return the status of being Mrs. Crawford. I ignored her and just walked away. [Honestly, I’ve indeed robbed her of Jared when I married him knowing that he already has a girlfriend. But if it’s Janice whose love I’ve robbed, I’m not guilty at all. [That woman is evil, and she always steals my credit as though she did all the work. I was the one who stayed up all night to do a report for Jared, but she said she was the one who did it instead; I was the one who begged many friends to secure the experiment fund for Jared, but she said she did it too. I was clearly the one who did them… [Forget it, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. There were countless similar incidents, but Jared never believed me whenever I explained.] …… [4 February. [I wonder what Janice told Jared. He suddenly came to warn me not to bully Janice, or he’ll teach me a lesson. [When did I bully Janice? It was she who said many awful things to me — she even scolded my dad for being a busybody. She said if my dad hadn’t saved Grandpa Crawford and simply let Grandpa Crawford die in the accident, nobody would’ve gotten in between her and Jared. [Jared, that idiot, knows nothing. He’s only fierce toward me.] …… …… [12 May. [Janice hired a few thugs to bully herself and purposely let Jared witness it. He thought I had hired the thugs instead, and he sent me to prison.] …… [13 May. [I’m exhausted, both my body and my heart.] …… Regarding the incident in the prison, Jared still remembered how Gwen cried to beg and plead guilty in the end. She was so mournful, but she simply wrote about it in a dull and flat manner. Jared brushed his fingers across the words “I’m exhausted”. It was as if he could feel that she had given up from that day onward. …… [23 May. [I returned home after being discharged, but I saw Janice at home. She’s pregnant — with Jared’s child.] …… [25 May. [I hate Jared Crawford.] …… The last sentence in her diary was — I hate Jared Crawford. Jared clearly remembered he violated her that day, which was why she hated him, and she never wrote in her diary from then on. Gwen had written in her diary at the beginning that unless one of them died, she would never stop writing. Did she already decide to die after writing the last sentence? Jared suffered an awful heartache. It hurt so much that he wanted to cry but had no tears; he wanted to yell but could not make a sound. It was like a huge stone was stuck in Jared’s throat, which suppressed all his emotions. He somehow felt the burden that Gwen had to bear in her heart when she wrote the words. When Jared brought the diary close to his chest and closed his eyes, tears rolled down the corner of his eyes. ‘Gwen, Gwen… ‘I know I was wrong, and I know it was all my fault. Come back to hear me admit my mistake, please?’